Showing posts with label Rant. Show all posts

There was a time when people appreciated literary genius. There was a time when Filipino movies were actually art. There was a time when journalism was an actual profession. And there was a time when dumb people don't get to have a say.

The thing is, good writers are nearing extinction. And it's not even because we're running out of mojo here. I mean come on, there's hardly a completely original thing anymore. Everything is partly derivative.

I have always dreamed of becoming a prolific writer. I mean, it doesn't even have to be to the levels of Stephen King (sheer volume) or JRR Tolkien (Legendary!). I mean, just a published trilogy would be nice (come on, if it's in the fantasy genre, there's no way it'll be finished in book one). Then again that might be asking for too much. Fine, a one-hit-wonder like JD Salinger is really a dream in itself (Don't hate me Salinger fans, but really, do you expect anyone else who knows anything aside from Catcher in the Rye?)

That dream is gone. I say I have let that one go, but I know there's a part of me that still dreams of creating that fiction masterpiece. So I admire Ramon Bautista, who's living my dream of a fantastic webisodes series. I admire Macky Cruz who's still on her way to writing that novel of hers. I envy JK Rowling because of her rags to riches success story. What was it really? Did they take a swig of some mead of poetry? Deal with the devil? There's no way to know how genius occurs.

But I can tell you how success happens. Take the names Stephanie Meyer and EL James. between those two are millions of revenue for extremely bad writing. This is proof that there's no need to be a good writer when you are trapped in a sea of BAD READERS.

This limiter to artistic heights is also evident in television and cinema (here in the Philippines at least). The reason this country still has sappy soap operas on primetime TV is because the better TV shows never get ratings for the masses who simply can't comprehend anything more complicated than tears and vengeance.

So kudos to real writers out there, who continue to improve the craft despite not getting financial success. In behalf of the country's population, I apologize for them dimwitted fools.

A few corporate lives ago, we had an officemate who before us, has never taken public transport and has never crossed a street. A few days ago, I read an interesting piece at 2BU (no surprise there). And of course, it brought me back to a few years ago when Tracy Isabel Borres made herself an instant Internet celebrity. (Transcript here grabbed from Pinoyexchange.)

Ah. The Simple Life.

Paris Hilton and ex-BFF Nicole Ritchie

Yeah, the same reasons make the above examples funny. However, the Simple Life lost some of its charm when it started to feel like they were deliberately trying to be stupid (not that they're not). It is still amusing to see how people glorify their state of--to put it in a nicer way--not knowing.

The problem comes up when it goes beyond the charming, and goes for glorifying the cluelessness (it would have been harsh and hopefully incorrect to go with the word stupidity).

Nicole Ki should appreciate the fact that she can afford NOT to ride jeeps on a daily basis. Tracy Isabel Borres shouldn't have put her rants into writing.

We all make mistakes. Some dumber and funnier than others. Sure, blog about first experiences, those are always nice. But try to write well for crying out loud. Wag yung nagpapaka-deep ka!

So, you're rich and missed out on a lot of experiences. Ignorance is bliss. Then you think you're better than seemingly interesting people just because you have rich parents. Meh.

SM is currently in hot water for two shooting incidents. The first happened in SM North EDSA where a disgruntled wife shot her husband (who supposedly left her for another woman) then "accidentally" killed a security guard who attempted to stop her from taking her life. That news has barely subsided when another news of a shooting that occurred in an SM Mall surfaced in Twitter. This time, a 13-year old boy shot a 16-year old boy who was supposedly his lover. 

Paninirang puri. An often misused cry when someone points out your mistakes. I think the closest translation to paninirang puri is Slander, but with the frequent misuse, we might have to change that to "speaking the damn truth."

You don't need a degree in writing to become a writer.

How many times have we heard/read that? The thing is, it is actually true.  To a certain extent. Remember that animated movie where there's a rat who wants to become a chef? Gusteau said anyone can cook. Hell, Remy did it well, and he's a frigging rodent. Also notable in that film is Gusteau's son, Linguini, who is totally inept in cooking.

You see, the point is, people tend to read the word "anyone" as if it is "everyone." Keyword=any. This means that any person can be astoundingly good at something.

Joahnna Marie was telling me about reading her ancient blog posts. I figured I'd repost some of my oldest here.

This one's from February 24, 2005:

That Fucking Tax Thing

One look at my measly pay slip got my looking up all the words in my curse dictionary again. A simple computation and I saw that I was being taxed at 15%. And relatively, I don't know what that means, only that it's biting off a huge portion of my highly-negligible salary.

In reference to the hundreds of columnists all over, "Where the fuck are my taxes going?!" Seriously now, I'm starting on looking at those Expeditions with "8" plates with contempt. Never been much of a tibak myself, but geez, with the money I'm dishing, I might as well expect some good hospitals, roads, and other services. And the sad truth is, there is no such thing here.

*takes on a nationalistic stance, hand over heart, simulating booming voice dripping with passion for country* Now I understand the wrath of the Filipino people. This is a despicable country. And the government expects professionals to stay? There's no such thing as a future here for honest (read: non-corrupt) people. Writers can file their fingers to dust typing away with how much the government, and every citizen must help each other for progress. Activists can scream chants and go hungry for the rest of their lives, radio commentators can waste all their spittle for nothing.

Whew! All that anger over a blasted pay slip... Might as well use the "relative misery" technique. In other lands like Djibouti, Somalia, or in planets like Omicron Persei 8, in parallel dimensions, some other nutcase is bitching over greater sorrow. There are people who can barely afford food and shelter. There are people with more pain and probably an unknown, incurable and extremely painful disease. Some CIA agent is getting his skin peeled off inch by inch in some torture chamber somewhere. And...

Nope, it doesn't lighten my load at all. Not by one fucking bit. I still don't see how people get comforted by the thought that other people are having an even harder time than they are.

***you've just read another annoying complaint in life by someone you don't know or hardly care about. Ah, the wonders of technology.***

Hmmm, now, how much have I changed in how I blog?

Welcome to Papa Cologne's Guide to Being a Manager!

Becoming a "boss" as it is called here in the Philippines is a very glamorous (and high-paying) opportunity.  And the best part? You don't even have to do it right to be successful. In fact, most of the successful managers out there are boot-licking miscreants with no idea what they're doing. Sure there are good ones, but they're a rare commodity.

Here are some tips to become a successful manager:

1. When in doubt, impose restrictions. Motivation and trust are for lesser beings. With restrictions, all you have to do is send a memo. No research or study required. Effortless and makes you look good.


2. The only people you have to please are the upper management. Sure, good managers think of the welfare of the team, but frankly, that takes too much involvement and again, effort. Remember that as a manager you have the power to do the following:
   
   
   
   1. Take credit for your team's achievements
   
   
   2. Let the team take the fall should they/you fail
   
   
   
   

So bottomline, there's no need to care.

3. Never own up to personal mistakes. (See item number 2) If something goes wrong, it's your subordinates' fault. It's when they do well that you step in and take charge.


4. Attention to detail is crucial. Always focus on small things like punctuality and hours rendered at the office. This is much easier than examining the actual output of your people. You need to be very strict about the little things to cover up for your own uselessness. Also, be very very vigilant in watching their monitors! It's a great achievement to see people browsing non-work sites. And for the same reason earlier, it's much easier than examining work output. These little things will give you plenty of time to "look busy" without actually doing anything productive.


5. Remember bad parenting. If you're already a bad parent, then management should be a walk in the park for you. Do the same things. You probably still don't realize how human minds work. Raising kids and employees are not much different.


6. *Guys Only* Speak in a deep modulated voice. Always use your deep voice when talking to people. The basic rule to follow is you use your "manager voice" when talking to higher level people or when trying to make yourself superior over your subordinates. When talking to higher ups, keep in mind that the higher the pay grade, the deeper your voice.


7. Accessorize. (by Nini) You're going to need a smartphone and expensive coffee. The smartphone, preferably a Blackberry, reinforces your "business look" even if you take hours just thinking of a cool tweet. The coffee... well, we all know Starbucks raises your sosyal factor. And the false need for caffeine makes it look as if you're so busy you need to stay up.

This list is a work in progress. If you have other tips for aspiring managers feel free to let us know.

Ok, HR is bugging me because I didn't join the company kris kringle. lol

Nabunot na daw yung pangalan ko. Anyway, it's not like I'm being a Grinch here (although I probably am), I just feel like it's a little too near the party date (This Friday) and it's too much of a hassle to go shopping for whatever's in your baby's wishlist.

Yes, the wishlist. The wishlist is usually a spreadsheet (or an e-mail thread) where people put in what they want to get. Now, if you've never seen a company kris kringle, it usually works like this:

• The organizers set a "minimum" amount for the gift.


• Participants write a wishlist

Since this wishlist is made public, it becomes some sort of a character thing where people desperately find ways to make their life's desire really really cool. So you get outrageous wishlist items such as cars, yachts, home entertainment systems and stuff. Which we have to admit, are quite humorous and not really annoying. Why? Because they're waaaay beyond the minimum amount. That at least makes them obviously ridiculous if not ha-ha funny.

But what if it just exceeds 200 pesos or so? In the event that the person who unfortunately picked your name is generous, then good for you.

The thing is, people are not really big on being considerate when posting wishlists. And soon enough you'll read wishlist items that:

• include only ridiculous items (you're getting a gift check)


• include only items that are 200 pesos or so over the minimum (still getting a gift check)


• a single uber-specific item (you're getting a minimum amount worth of uber specific gift check)

Ah kris kringle. Gone are the days when people always go for photo frames. Gift checks ftw.

I take jeeps on my commute and I tend to notice the shit in the daily grind. What the hell is with people doing useless and unnecessary work and then expecting to get paid? Seriously.

Barkers

Let's start with barkers. In case you don't know, barkers are those people who scream the jeep's route in the hopes that they will attract passengers. And then they expect the drivers to give them money. Now, I didn't really conduct studies about this, but I am fairly confident that jeepney rides are not exactly commodities that require sales talk. It's not as if I'm walking one day, and then someone screams at me and then I happen to decide I want to ride. Any form of commute is something you either do or do not. There is no impulse ride.

Still, these barkers are out there and they make themselves believe they're doing something good when they're actually useless. Jeepney drivers are the victim here since if they don't pay these good-for-nothing bastards, the barkers will throw rocks at their jeep.

Watch-Your-Car Boys

This one is even more fucked up. These kids try to get you into a "contract" where they watch your parked car and then you pay them later when you get back. Now, why the hell do you have to pay them to "watch your car?" Because if you don't they'll damage your ride.

Windshield Punas Boys/Carwash Boys

If you've ever been out on the road, you'd have seen these boys. Usually found in intersections, these kids carry dirty pan holders which they use to wipe car windshields, windows, and side-mirrors of unfortunate cars waiting for the light to go green. In some cases (if you happen to be stuck in a road beside a squatter area), they take it to the next level by carrying a pail of dirty soapy water to wash your car with.

And since drivers are stuck  inside their cars, they can do nothing while these people dirty their car. Worse, these people are expecting money from their sloppy shit.

I'm an elitist, I know.

You know how those security guards keep on checking your bags whenever you go to the mall (or anywhere)? That's because some crazy guy who owns the place wants you to feel secure. Not.

This phenomenon is stupid to the point of moronic in Ayala establishments. Take Trinoma for example. Before you enter the mall itself, you get inspected. Nice and all clear inspected you then decide to go to Landmark. WHICH HAPPENS TO BE INSIDE THE FUCKING MALL. A guard inspects you again. That also goes the other way around. So when you got inspected when you went in the mall, and then got inspected again when you entered Landmark, when you leave Landmark to go back to the mall, they inspect you again. Why? Maybe because you might be carrying bombs.

I really feel for these security personnel. Some moron in the Ayala management is making them do a useless and annoying task. What's up with that?

I happen to experience this same Ayala shit when I go to work. The UP-Ayala TechnoHUB sure looks nice from the outside, but the architects seem to be old rich fuckers who do not understand what kind of people will work there. Let's start of with security.

You enter TechnoHUB coming from chaotic Commonwealth Avenue. A guard will ask you where you're heading and where's your ID. Which means if you just went there to buy anything from their retail area, guards are mandated to fuck you up before you get there. And oh yeah, open your bag if you have one because they'd want to inspect that.

If you are fortunate to come to TechnoHUB with a vehicle, it's less harassing. The driver just asks you where you're going, (it doesn't matter if you have an ID or anything, the car should talk for you), and then they proceed to check your car for bombs.

This is why I am guilty of laughing when I heard a shootout happened at Greenbelt 5. Ayala people do you know why this shit happens? It's because you are morons.

Here's to you call center agents.

I'm normally a polite guy (naks!). Until Globe Broadband. Globe Broadband has really really bad technical support. Of course, this is not entirely the fault of the Customer Service Representatives I get to talk to.



During my first months with Globe Broadband, the service was intermittent at best. That meant a lot of time spent calling their hotline. Every time, the CSR asks me about cables connected and shit. Now here's a thought, my record is in there. Check it and you should see that my problem is not about fucking cables. That the service of Globe sucks is not the problem of the CSRs, but seriously, a little IQ can go a long way.

Of course, the only time I'd call the Globe hotline is when the service is down. Which will usually mean I'm in a very bad mood. And then I get to talk to an idiot who assumes I'm an idiot too. This is the part where I'm thankful.

Globe sucks bad enough that I know for a fact that my calls to the hotline won't mean a thing. I just want to vent. I'm gonna quote Barney Stinson here, with his Circle/Chain/Pyramid of Screams. I really wish I can go directly to the one responsible and then just scream and pummel him (or her) to the floor. Unfortunately, Globe only gives us access to you CSRs, so you'll have to do. After an angry phone call to Globe, nothing's really fixed. My case won't improve, Internet won't come back. Because THAT'S HOW BAD THE GLOBE BROADBAND SERVICE IS.

So why do I do it? It's fun. And after an angry phone call. I feel good. I'm sorry poor CSR. Although sometimes, I encounter a good call center agent. Someone who knows how to avoid getting me to talk trash. And when the agent's polite and NOT AN IDIOT, I do not vent out on that poor fellow.

Here's to you call center agents. To the good ones, you're really talented at what you do. To the morons, you're necessary. Customers need people to shout at.

So I happened to see on TV that Mike Velarde and a Brother something something are planning to run for President. As if that wasn't lol enough, they also managed to interview some supporters. One response really stuck to me. The guy said something like,

Most of the leaders of old times naman were selected by God. And they turned out to be effective rulers.

That's not the exact words he said. I remember him saying something like, "Yung pinili ni God." I just love it when people use "ni God/ si God" in a sentence.

For example,

Eh kasi, sabi ni God...

I love it. Close sila.

I never understood religious people. Back in high school, we had a bunch of cathecists who taught us Bible stuff. It wasn't so bad. But that time, I hated the thought of memorizing prayers. I still do. I hate treating a prayer like some sort of incantation. And if I had to, I wish I learned it in Latin. Then it would at least sound like a magic spell.

I think I just meet the wrong religious people. My uncle's mistress was devout. Always talking of stuff na sinabi ni God and always going to those praise things they do. But, she's a mistress. And quite evil. That's really fucked up.

Yano could not have said it better. Banal na aso, Santong kabayo.

I've heard of this religion teacher in DLSU. Not to be all judgmental of their educational system there or anything, but to pay tuition for a religion course is BULLSHIT imo.

Anyway, so this religion teacher. From what I hear, quite strict. And requires people to attend and get certificates for seminars. Now, I'm not big on these seminars myself, but I think I'm logical to think that you don't have to attend a pre-marriage seminar if you're not about to get married. Now, I can't stop loling at the idea of a Religion class in college, but I don't get why there should be papers and research work for a course that's not even necessary.

There are a lot of pathetic and utterly useless teachers in the country. I'd know, I don't remember learning much from school. I did get lucky enough that I encountered some brilliant ones I was able to learn from, but the rest of the crowd, sheer crap.

I don't know if it was just me, but my incompetent teachers were the ones who gave ridiculous homework. (Example: forcing you to attend vocational seminars)

I also remember my issue about group work. Ah group work. I remember how professors would insist on some random grouping scheme, to teach us "how to work with other people."

I see the point. When you start your professional career, you will be thrown into "random" groups. So it's training. Me, I believe in not grouping yourself with people you know to be incompetent morons. Now, since Professor GroupWork obviously cannot judge our individual contributions to the group work, then it seems that the groupmates are not the only incompetent morons in the picture.

Learning is a continuous process. I didn't stop learning when I was outside school. And I didn't start learning when I was there.

I stopped going to church. I don't have a profound reason for that. I was just lazy. I enjoy watching televangelists debate. It's crazy. I'm amazed at how the church is fighting against the Reproductive Health Bill. Get on with the unprotected fucking! The church has your back! Of course, they won't feed your children, or send them to school or anything. In any case, carry on.